Do you know it has been four years since our oldest child died?
Do you know I still ache and scream inside?
Do you know I'm still different?
That my life will never be the same?
Do you know that the weight of grief is with me every day?
That there is no going back to before?
Do you know?
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Life Lately
I've been quiet here. Some days I think I'm done with this blog, other days I think of starting a new blog that better reflects where I am today, and then there are nights like tonight where I yearn to come back here to this old, comfortable friend.
These days I find that everything is different, yet everything is the same. Having Emma's little sister here has brought unimaginable light and joy to my life. I feel like I finally know who I am and what I was created to be. Motherhood is my absolute greatest gift.
But even in this complete joy, I am changed. Life and its emotions are forever altered. My joy is not like your joy. My joy comes from knowing the other side. There are days when the bitterness, regret, guilt, and grief rise up. The feelings that were my companions for so long. They're still there, under the surface, and they rise up often unexplained and unwelcome.
I am in a constant battle against anxiety, fighting between what is normal and what is the result of knowing the deepest darkness. Each night before bed I check on Lilah, placing my hand on her back so I can feel the rise and fall of her breath. I thank God for my beautiful girl and pray that I get to keep her. Such is the life of a bereaved Mama. Sending you love and light. xo
Friday, March 11, 2016
Mama Bear
Yesterday I was talking with one of my administrators and she used the term Mama Bear. I said yes, I understand about that, and she laughed and said, oh no you don't. Wait until the day that you get that first teacher email that your child has done something wrong.
I know she's right. That the first time I get the bad school report, or a boy breaks L's heart, or she doesn't get the job she wants, that it will be a whole new level of Mama Bear, but part of me was shouting on the inside, "No, you don't get it! NO ONE gets it!" It's absolutely nothing against her or anyone else, but bereaved parents just see the world differently.
Let me tell you about Mama Bear:
Mama Bear is trying to parent a child who has died. Protecting her memory, making sure people don't forget her or ignore her. Learning to create a life that the child is still a part of, and then hating yourself when it feels like you're forgetting anyway.
Mama Bear is having your Rainbow Baby. Hearing that first cry and knowing that she is your life. That giving her life, love, and happiness is all you need in this world. Protecting her to make sure that nothing hurts her and that your heart will never be shattered again like it was before.
That is Mama Bear.
So future teachers, boyfriends, and bosses, I've got you. I have already survived the unimaginable and me and my girls will be just fine.
Mama Bear level, pro.
I know she's right. That the first time I get the bad school report, or a boy breaks L's heart, or she doesn't get the job she wants, that it will be a whole new level of Mama Bear, but part of me was shouting on the inside, "No, you don't get it! NO ONE gets it!" It's absolutely nothing against her or anyone else, but bereaved parents just see the world differently.
Let me tell you about Mama Bear:
Mama Bear is trying to parent a child who has died. Protecting her memory, making sure people don't forget her or ignore her. Learning to create a life that the child is still a part of, and then hating yourself when it feels like you're forgetting anyway.
Mama Bear is having your Rainbow Baby. Hearing that first cry and knowing that she is your life. That giving her life, love, and happiness is all you need in this world. Protecting her to make sure that nothing hurts her and that your heart will never be shattered again like it was before.
That is Mama Bear.
So future teachers, boyfriends, and bosses, I've got you. I have already survived the unimaginable and me and my girls will be just fine.
Mama Bear level, pro.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Sharing OUR Story
It's been quiet around here lately, especially with posts related to my journey in grief. In fact, I have stopped and started so many posts that I have a huge collection of drafts. I have found that the words do not pour out of me like they did so early on. Sometimes I wish they would. In some ways I wish a piece of that raw grief would return. That may be hard for you to understand, but that raw grief is what let me feel Emma's presence so strongly. Now she feels so far away. Like another lifetime, and as if I was another person. It feels like forgetting and that is oh so hard. Sometimes I think I let this happen. That remembering and feeling is too hard, so I don't. It's moments like this that I am so strongly reminded that grieving the loss of a child is a life long journey. Some days it feels like I am in a constant battle with grief. It has changed it's shape but it still haunts me.
In a few weeks I will be participating as part of a parent panel at a Perinatal Bereavement Conference. The conference attendees will be professionals such as doctors, nurses, doulas, and social workers. The purpose of the panel is for participants to share what worked and what didn't before, during, and after the loss of their child. I am so nervous and afraid for this experience, but I know that it is something I need to do. I need to speak up, to share my story, and to help the mother that will be in my shoes have the best care possible. This is a chance for me and Emma to make a difference in someone's life. It almost feels like a chance to answer a calling. I ask for you to send me your well wishes and prayers. I will be sure to share my experience here after the conference. Sending you love and light. xo
In a few weeks I will be participating as part of a parent panel at a Perinatal Bereavement Conference. The conference attendees will be professionals such as doctors, nurses, doulas, and social workers. The purpose of the panel is for participants to share what worked and what didn't before, during, and after the loss of their child. I am so nervous and afraid for this experience, but I know that it is something I need to do. I need to speak up, to share my story, and to help the mother that will be in my shoes have the best care possible. This is a chance for me and Emma to make a difference in someone's life. It almost feels like a chance to answer a calling. I ask for you to send me your well wishes and prayers. I will be sure to share my experience here after the conference. Sending you love and light. xo
Monday, August 17, 2015
The Etsy Shop Has Launched!
You can now purchase our Endless Love Bracelets on our new Etsy site (click on the shop tab at the top for a direct link)! My goal is to upload new products to the shop every two weeks-sometimes it will just be a restock of current products, and other times I will be introducing brand new products. You can keep up to date with shop news by following us on Facebook and Instagram @onabutterflyswings.
The Endless Love Bracelet is our charitable cause bracelet, and all proceeds are used to make care packages for other parents of stillborn babies. I donate these care packages to the hospital where our sweet Emma was born. I have ten packages that are heading to the hospital this week thanks to previous Endless Love Bracelet sales.
Thank you for your love and support!
The Endless Love Bracelet is our charitable cause bracelet, and all proceeds are used to make care packages for other parents of stillborn babies. I donate these care packages to the hospital where our sweet Emma was born. I have ten packages that are heading to the hospital this week thanks to previous Endless Love Bracelet sales.
Thank you for your love and support!
Sunday, July 12, 2015
I Forgot My Place
Having a living child has given me a free pass into the "moms club". I swap baby gadget recommendations, baby food recipes, joys, and frustrations with other moms. I proudly carry my baby on my hip while walking through the store, or coo and giggle with her while we wait patiently in a line. I am one of them.
Some days it's easy to forget how it was before. When I was a mom, but not in the "moms club". And then there are days and times when it hits, and it hits hard.
I've been planning to attend a local baby wearing meeting tomorrow. At the meeting there is a whole library of different slings, wraps, and baby carriers that you can try, as well as educators that teach you safe ways to use the carriers with your baby. I'm not sure if you've seen the price of baby carriers, but I'm a big fan of getting a chance to try before I buy.
Being an introvert, I normally get some anxiety about going into new situations like this. It's hard for me to meet people and make small talk. Being a bereaved mom it's even harder.
When I first planned to go to the meeting I felt excited about getting some advice and help with ring slings, and even excited at the idea of spending some time with other moms and babies. And then I remembered my place in the mom world. I live on the bereaved mom side, and it can be full of anxiety, loneliness, and isolation. I began thinking about the inevitable questions...is this your first, how many other children do you have, how old are they? I thought about the uncomfortable conversation that starts and ends with, my firstborn daughter died. I thought about the inevitably crunchy moms that will be there sharing their natural birth stories, with talks of delivering at 41 or almost 42 weeks, home births and water births and the like. I thought about all my plans for Emma's birth, waiting and waiting so I could have that natural birth experience, and then I waited too long and she died.
Going and trying out a ring sling doesn't sound so fun anymore. Maybe all I need is to get these thoughts out and I will feel okay tomorrow. That's the thing with grief, you never really know. Tomorrow when it's time to leave for the meeting is when I'll know how I feel about it. I do stop and think about the mom that has lived through loss and it too afraid to tell someone else, or feels like she doesn't have anyone to talk to. Maybe she's there waiting for me, waiting for me to be brave enough to say those terrible words out loud. And if she's not at the Monday baby wearing meeting then she's out there somewhere in the world. I can't hide out forever, maybe it's time to be brave.
If you are not a bereaved parent and you are reading this, you may say: you are one of us, we are in this together, we are united by motherhood. And to you I say, I am so thankful you are so naive. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I mean I am so glad you don't know what it's like to be one of me. There will always be a difference. We are both mothers, but I am one kind and you are another. Thank you for not trying to make me be you, thank you for letting me be in my place, while sharing in yours.
Some days it's easy to forget how it was before. When I was a mom, but not in the "moms club". And then there are days and times when it hits, and it hits hard.
I've been planning to attend a local baby wearing meeting tomorrow. At the meeting there is a whole library of different slings, wraps, and baby carriers that you can try, as well as educators that teach you safe ways to use the carriers with your baby. I'm not sure if you've seen the price of baby carriers, but I'm a big fan of getting a chance to try before I buy.
Being an introvert, I normally get some anxiety about going into new situations like this. It's hard for me to meet people and make small talk. Being a bereaved mom it's even harder.
When I first planned to go to the meeting I felt excited about getting some advice and help with ring slings, and even excited at the idea of spending some time with other moms and babies. And then I remembered my place in the mom world. I live on the bereaved mom side, and it can be full of anxiety, loneliness, and isolation. I began thinking about the inevitable questions...is this your first, how many other children do you have, how old are they? I thought about the uncomfortable conversation that starts and ends with, my firstborn daughter died. I thought about the inevitably crunchy moms that will be there sharing their natural birth stories, with talks of delivering at 41 or almost 42 weeks, home births and water births and the like. I thought about all my plans for Emma's birth, waiting and waiting so I could have that natural birth experience, and then I waited too long and she died.
Going and trying out a ring sling doesn't sound so fun anymore. Maybe all I need is to get these thoughts out and I will feel okay tomorrow. That's the thing with grief, you never really know. Tomorrow when it's time to leave for the meeting is when I'll know how I feel about it. I do stop and think about the mom that has lived through loss and it too afraid to tell someone else, or feels like she doesn't have anyone to talk to. Maybe she's there waiting for me, waiting for me to be brave enough to say those terrible words out loud. And if she's not at the Monday baby wearing meeting then she's out there somewhere in the world. I can't hide out forever, maybe it's time to be brave.
If you are not a bereaved parent and you are reading this, you may say: you are one of us, we are in this together, we are united by motherhood. And to you I say, I am so thankful you are so naive. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I mean I am so glad you don't know what it's like to be one of me. There will always be a difference. We are both mothers, but I am one kind and you are another. Thank you for not trying to make me be you, thank you for letting me be in my place, while sharing in yours.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Hello, Summer...Wreath!
My go-to spring and summer wreath is one that I created with a friend shortly after we lost Emma. I felt the need to create, and the wreath is what came out of it. Actually now that I think about it, I think that making that wreath may have been the start of my craftiness. Creating things, no matter how well they turn out, has become a form of therapy for me. Here is a post from my old blog that shows you the wreath and gives you the tutorial on making it.
After two years, however, my wreath was looking a little worn, and I decided it was time for a new wreath DIY. Here is this summer's creation. Cute, right?!
After two years, however, my wreath was looking a little worn, and I decided it was time for a new wreath DIY. Here is this summer's creation. Cute, right?!
This pretty little wreath at 24 Olive Street was my inspiration. I love the bright happy colors and touches of whimsy she used. I added the chipboard "hello" to mine for an extra touch of fun.
If you want to create a similar look, here is my how-to:
Materials Needed
- 18" grapevine wreath (I got mine at Michael's for $4.99-Don't forget you can use the Michael's app for a 40% off coupon!)
- Assorted scrapbooking paper
- Twine-I used yellow baker's twine
- Mini clothespins
- Mini pinwheel-I bought mine pre-made at Michaels. If you're super crafty you can DIY your own.
- Wooden skewer for attaching pinwheel
- "Hello" chipboard-I found this at Hobby Lobby
- Scissors
- Hot glue
- Spray paint
Directions
- Use your spray paint to paint "hello" the color you have chosen
- Decide on the size of triangles you want for your pennant banner (I used Pages on my computer to create a triangle, since I cannot draw a straight line), make a tracer, and trace your triangles onto the scrapbook paper.
- Hot glue the paper triangles to your twine, glue into clothespins, and hot glue to the wreath
- Hot glue "hello" and the pinwheel onto the wreath
- Make your paper accordion flowers using this tutorial and attach to your wreath with hot glue-I used scrapbook paper circles that I cut out for my flower centers
If I can do it, you definitely can! Of course, looking at the picture of the finished product I see things I would change, but overall I'm pretty happy with this crafty creation!
Happy summer, friends!
This post is not sponsored, I just like shopping at Hobby Lobby and Michaels. ;)
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