This week has been a strange mix of emotions. A lot has happened that I had anticipated making me really emotional, but I haven't been the wreck I thought I would be. I've had some tears, and when I say my days are okay, fine, or dare I say even "good" there is still that heavy heavy weight in my chest that has not lifted. Even when I'm smiling or going through my day, everything is clouded with the weight of grief. I still want to come home, curl up, and take a break from the charade, but I am seeing positive change.
I feel like I am moving to a place where I have a better grasp on our new reality. For so long I have been in this crazy world where nothing feels right, where my brain really has trouble processing what has happened to us and that this is our real life now. If I really try and think things through those feelings still are there, but for the most part I am able to say to myself, yes this happened. I guess my brain is slowly allowing more in as it feels safe. Its amazing what the mind can do. There was even a day a month or so ago that I seriously thought to myself as I was looking in the mirror, maybe this could be a dream, maybe if I wish hard enough I could actually wake up and realize I'm having a bad nightmare. I truly thought this. That is sad.
The biggest hurdle was Wednesday, because October 16 was the date last year that we found out we were pregnant. Waking up Wednesday morning was such a sad and different experience. On Wednesday it was also my class's field trip to the pumpkin patch. Last year this trip was the day after finding out we were pregnant, so I remember that day vividly....walking around surrounded by all those parents, kids, and teachers, holding onto my little secret. It was fantastic! This year I spent the day hoping there wasn't anything that was going to trigger me into a meltdown...at the pumpkin patch there is not even a proper bathroom to hide in, just a nasty old porta-pot. I guess beggars can't be choosers, but luckily I had no need for the porta-pot and was fine all day. Pretty bad that my life now includes being on the lookout for the nearest emergency exit in case of meltdown.
Some other things that have been heavy on my heart this week:
Calling the hospital where Emma was born to see about donating care packages. Although I feel good to be able to do this for other parents it made me really sad too. I can post more about this project later, but for now visit our Facebook page for more info!!
Going in for my first haircut since Emma was born and having to tell my stylist that Emma had died. By the way she was so compassionate and amazing (and she's great at hair if you live nearby and are looking for someone new!). I have been in awe of the kindness and care from everyone, many of whom are practically strangers to me and Britt.
Talking to the perinatal nurse to give her my medical history in preparation for my upcoming appointment...this meant talking about my pregnancy and Emma's stillbirth.
Getting Emma's Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth in the mail today. So happy that Virginia is one of the states that offers this, as it is an important document that validates Emma's life and presence, but sad to see her death officially in print.
I hope you all are having a peaceful week xoxo
Sarah, you have had such a roller coaster week. I am sure that it is exhausting.
ReplyDeleteYou reminded me of something that I had totally forgotten about. When the intense grief finally subsided, there was almost a reaction of "No, I want to feel that grief (because that legitimized the experience for me)". I know it sounds crazy to people who haven't gone through it. It wasn't that I wanted to be sad, but I didn't want to let the feeling go either, because that pain was my only connection with the little life I lost. I know that you will understand this as few people can. The fact that you are doing Care Bags for other parents and are starting up your business, the fact that you were able to stay at the Pumpkin Patch and not have to find a smelly old Port-a-Potty....well, all I can say is "cool". I love you.
Not having to hide in a porta-pot was definitely a high point in my day :) Thanks for always being willing to share <3
DeleteI have jut read through your posts to learn your story. My mom was pregnant before me.......she found out at 6 months her baby was no longer living and for some reason they made her carry her to term, and then had her on the maternity wing....which I think was just cruel......anyway, I never really really considered how this affected my mom until reading your story.....thanks for being so open and sharing.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie,
DeleteThank you for visiting the blog and taking the time to read my story. Stillbirth has been a taboo subject, especially in the past. There is a movement now to have it be recognized and acknowledged for the tragedy it is. I am so sorry to hear that your mom went through that. I can't even imagine.
Sarah