All Tricks, No Treats

I just started out this post with the words "for those who have not lost a baby", and then I went back and deleted it because the words of the wonderful woman who leads our support group came back to me. I didn't lose my baby, I know where she is, she is dead. It may sound harsh, but the truth is harsh. Putting this in terms that sound nicer or are easier to hear doesn't do anything, so I will start again…

For those who have not experienced the death of their baby it's hard to think like we do, or realize the thoughts and feelings we go through each day. For many, last night was a fun holiday where their children dressed up for trick or treating, or having no small children they happily opened their doors to neighborhood children while admiring costumes and passing out treats. For parents whose children have died Halloween is one of the many days we just have to get through. It is a reminder that our children will never dress up and get treats, that we won't get to hold their hand and walk them around the neighborhood, or sneak a piece of their candy after they go to bed (I know I would have done that!). Its a reminder that so many other people (even those who are seemingly undeserving) have what we can't. It feels like we rang the doorbell at the house that was passing out all tricks and no treats. We anticipated the excitement and sweetness, only to be greeted with bitterness and disappointment.  

Some people in the world might say…don't dwell, you can't project like that, you need to look forward, think of doing these things with your future children. And I say, I am looking forward. Looking forward to our life without Emma in it. I say, I'm sorry if my thoughts are depressing to you, but this is my life, how do you think I feel? I say, you just don't get it, because if you did you would know those statements are ridiculous. 

Now think of any other event in life and how it must be from my perspective. First day of school, any and every holiday, summer vacations, birthdays, anniversaries, and the list goes on. I truly wish that there wasn't a single person who understood this because then your babies would be alive, but because the statistics say otherwise I'm glad that there are people out there who know exactly how I'm feeling without me ever having to say it. It's hard feeling misunderstood. But for now, one more "event" is out of the way until next year. Time to keep plugging along.