I haven't had much to say on here lately. I'm in kind of a weird place. I am now at a point where I can look back and see that I am no longer where I was, but I also have trouble looking ahead to where I'm going and where I want to be. I am stuck and time seems to be going so slowly. Here are some of the random thoughts running through my head…
I am beyond excited to meet in person tomorrow a new friend that I have connected with on this journey. Maybe that is why this week went so slowly, I actually had an event to look forward to. That hasn't happened much these days. In fact, I'm supposed to be cleaning my house right now in preparation…eek! Stacey, don't judge if you see any dust floating around! :)
I mailed my ornaments for the bereaved parents ornament exchange this week. It made me sad to sit down and make the ornaments. Sad for the family who suffered devastating losses, and sad for me that when I was done I had my own little girl to make an ornament for. It felt really good when I saw this afternoon that the mommy of these babies received her ornaments and felt joy in seeing them. I'll share the ornaments and how I made them next week on the blog. Hopefully my ornament will arrive and I can share that too!
Last weekend I wrote a poem. I woke up at 6:45 (yes, on a weekend) and it popped into my mind. The words started flowing so I wrote them down. That was a strange new development in my grief. I decided to submit it to an online magazine for the "loss, infertility, and adoption community". I didn't submit it because I think its an amazing piece that should be published, but because it is a reflection of my feelings and experiences and I want to share it with the people that are in this world with me. We'll see if it gets accepted. It's kind of kindergarten compared to the other pieces they publish, so if they don't take it I'll share it here. ;)
In two weeks hubby and I are traveling to Punta Cana, and I am so ready to be there. I am looking forward to unplugging and spending some time away with Britt. Since Emma died I feel like the routines and obligations of life are constantly squeezing in on me, demanding attention. I just want to get away. We are staying in an all inclusive adults only resort. I am ready for my only decisions to involve what I want to eat or drink, and if I want to lay at the pool or the beach. Earlier in my grief I wasn't ready for a trip like this, but now I am.
I've been thinking a lot about being pregnant again. Just the thoughts, fears, and happiness that could go along with that.
I guess that's all for now.
xoxo
I can't imagine how tough having to be "on" all day, is. When some days, you just want to pull the covers over your head. You are so brave (I know that you don't want to be this brave, and I wish that you hadn't had to be brave). I know that as you start moving towards the time that you are ready to think about starting down that journey again, I know that it is pretty scary. But my wise Yoga teacher, Tara says, "The journey of life is like making a drive at night: you can only see a little ways ahead at a time, but you can make the entire journey that way." This has helped me many times. Much love to you and glad you are planning a get away with your love... your partner... your rock.
ReplyDeleteIt was a gift to be with you and Britt this weekend. To not feel so alone. Thank you for your hospitality. Emma has amazing parents. Love.
ReplyDeleteIt was so good for my soul. Looking forward to our next visit. xoxo
DeleteI am glad to see that I hadn't missed much. I just felt a knot in my stomach when I realized that I hadn't visited the blog this week!! Like Elly said, you are so brave!! I see it on a daily basis. I know how I feel trudging through the days at school and know you must feel it 1,000 times over. Emma has given you such a creative side that I am really loving! Watching you find these new projects and outlets is a glimpse of your healing. I am so proud of you in many, many ways. Love you!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for always being there for me, and just letting me "be" in my grief without judgement. Love you, friend!
Delete