The Due Date

Today marks the one year anniversary of Emma's due date. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it. It is not as hard as I thought it would be. In a way I almost feel numb to it, empty. I think that is because in many ways it feels like ten years ago instead of one. I have changed so much in this last year. I can barely remember who I was and how I felt last June 24th. 

I have also spent a lot of time in my grief learning to focus on the present. I've created ways to mother and honor Emma where I am today, rather than allowing myself to live in the past or project into the future. Because of this it's hard for me to really travel back to a year ago today. I'm not sure that I want to. 

So, I'm left to mark today in a way that feels right for where I am now. I will acknowledge this date for what it is, but I won't allow myself to be consumed by the past. I can't. It's more than just a choice, it's a survival skill. 

Rainbow News

It's been quiet around here lately. I've had a lot going on and a lot of emotions to deal with, the biggest of which has been navigating pregnancy after loss. We are 15 weeks pregnant with our "rainbow baby" with a due date of December 6, and a plan for scheduled delivery at 38-39 weeks.

The first trimester was filled with so many emotions: happiness, fear, confusion, and some sadness at times. There is just so much to process on this journey and there is still a long road ahead. I'm sure in time I will be better able to put into words our experience so far.

For now I can say that we are enjoying this blessing and are remaining cautiously optimistic. Today I am grateful for being a mommy of two (three if you count Scooter, which I do!)