Acceptance

Acceptance. The supposed "last" stage of grief. I've always disagreed with this. I don't think there is an end point. A point where I'll say: "My daughter died and I'm okay." I just don't get that.

Today is a hard day. I'm feeling heavy in grief over Emma's death and I'm feeling the anxiety it causes me related to Lilah. Will she be healthy and safe? How can I bear to leave her at daycare in just a month? I feel this intense need to be with her. I guess that's how it is when you have two daughters but you only get to hold one of them. I didn't feel this heavy anxiety early on. I guess it's time to tackle this new stage of grief and motherhood.

While Lilah is napping I decided to sit down and spend some time on my Bible study, something that I have unfortunately neglected for too long. I opened up my study guide to the next section and the lesson for today is called "Life Unravels Sometimes" and it discusses hard seasons of life and the stages of grief. Whoa. If I ever needed a reminder that God is present and working in my life, here it is. I needed this today. I needed to be reminded that I am still grieving and it's okay. I have a second beautiful daughter who brings me so much joy, but I still get to be a mess sometimes.

So, as I read in my Bible study book through the five stages of grief, I come to acceptance. I still disagree with the standard definition of acceptance, but today I've looked at it with a new perspective. Here is what I have to say about the fifth stage of grief:

Acceptance-I understand that Emma is gone and I cannot change that. I accept that I need to create a life where she is not physically present, but is still an active part of our family. I accept that my journey does not end here. I accept that I can have a beautiful, happy life. I accept that I will always grieve and that's okay.