The First Three Months

I can't believe that we are approaching Lilah's four month birthday! In some ways her birth seems like forever ago, and in many others it feels like time has flown by. I realize I haven't written anything about her birth or my experiences with her. It's been hard, overwhelming, and absolutely wonderful. 

To be honest it only feels like lately I have fully embraced having her here. I think that probably sounds different than what I mean. I have loved her and been so so thankful for her since the moment she was born, but it was hard for me to believe and feel like she was really ours, to really believe that this is our new normal after living with a different new normal for so long. I feel like recently I have fully awoken into this beautiful new life. It's hard for me to even put into words how much I love her. Sometimes I look at her and cry because she makes my heart so full. 

Parenting after loss has definitely had its unique emotions and challenges. There are the normal fears, emotions, and anxieties that "new moms" feel, but being what I like to call "a second-time, first-time mom" has its own set. I am constantly battling between normal mom worry and insane anxiety. Every little sniffle triggers a worst case scenario in my mind. There have been many times so far when I have to talk myself back down to reality. I also have an intense need to be with her and to care for her. It's hard for me to trust her with anyone else. After Emma's death I struggled with guilt and feelings of failure with myself and my body, and now with Lilah I feel like I want to care for her and protect her at all times. I have this need to make sure that nothing happens on my watch again. Next week I start back to work and she will go to daycare, and I am absolutely heartbroken. I just don't know how I can put her in someone else's care for forty hours a week. Unfortunately, staying home is not a financially viable option for us (at the moment-holding onto hope that one day I can make that happen), so for now I will do what I do best-adapt and thrive.  

Here are some pics (from the hundreds on my phone!) of our sweet baby girl. She is quite juicy but I do think the pictures make her look a little squishier than she is. ;) Lilah loves to talk, smile, and giggle. She has rolled over a few times but still doesn't love tummy time. She is starting to teethe and Sophie the Giraffe is her favorite friend. She sleeps great at night but is not a fan of naps. She is wearing almost all 6 month clothes already! She is our sunshine!